the journey

i feel like i've been on the verge of tears for the past couple of days. and i don't know why exactly. there's a myriad of thoughts and emotions running through my head. it's all a part of this big healing process i've been going through. you can read about that here.

i don't know if saying i'm depressed is the right word, but i know i'm not happy. i wish i could just get happy. sometimes i wonder what circumstances would be in order for me to be happy. i love my in-laws, but would i be happier if josh and i weren't living in a small room in their house? would i be happier if i wasn't working at the pool? would i be happier if i lived in a different city? if i had a job in my field? if all the dreams i had as a kid came true? if i was a professional musician or actor? if my mom was still around? these are just some of the thoughts running through my head. in what situation does my life have to be in order for me to be happy?

i'm trying to remember what i was doing the last time i was truly happy. i'm having a hard time remembering when that was. don't get me wrong, i was overjoyed when i got engaged, on my wedding day, and just being married in general, but there's always been this pit of emptiness that i can't explain and can't get rid of. in fact, it's even very hard for me to finally acknowledge that it's there and has been there for a long time. sometimes i almost think i was born with it.

i wasn't supposed to be here. i am something like a 1 percent of a 1 percent chance. after my mom had had two kids(my brother and sister), she had her tubes cut and tied. or whatever procedure they did that had a similar effect. four years later, out pops me. God had to mend my mother in order for me to be in this world. He's the only one who could've done it. He wanted me here for a reason, He had (and has) a purpose for my life on earth. i just wish i knew what it was. i wish i knew why he wanted me here. what's my purpose? why am i here? and why am i so unhappy here?

i often feel that i'm an annoyance to people, to friends, to family. i feel like they just put up with me sometimes, because of their reactions. i feel like i'm a disappointment. i feel like i don't measure up to what they want. i feel like i don't belong anywhere. i feel like i'm not supposed to be here. i feel like nobody but my husband would miss me if i was gone. i know other people would miss me, but i don't always feel they would miss me. i feel worse off then i did when i realized God was going to be taking me through a tough healing process. is this a part of that process? He knows that we can't afford to pay for counseling. i don't even know if i need to go to counseling. i don't know what help i need or how to get it. all i know is that i feel so insignificant and out of place, and that God wants to heal me from all the hurt and pain and sorrow. but i don't know how that's done.

Lord, i need you. i don't feel like you care about me. i know you do, yet i am struggling to feel your love for me. i need you more than anything! don't abandon me! don't forsake me! don't overlook me! come and rescue me, Father! come and heal me! take away this pit of emptiness that dwells inside me! make me new, Lord! hear my cry! do not forget about me! i need you, Father, i need you!

christmas time

happy christmas, everybody!!

hope everyone is having a good time with their families and such during the holidays.

on another note: i have a nephew!!
jacob ender treadwell was born december 22, 2005 at 1:09 p.m.
weight: 7 pounds 15 1/2 ounces
length: 20 inches
safe, healthy and absolutely beautiful!!

welcome to the world, jacob! you came to a place where you are loved greatly by a great many people!!

pics of the little guy can be found here.

ramblings

wow, a lot has happened. or at least there's a lot going on in my head. stop the madness!!!! oh, sorry, i had to tell all the voices in my head to stop momentarily so i can sort out my thoughts.

so i found out last week that i did not get the full-time position at the pool. i don't know if i'm that upset about it. sure, it would have been nice to have a full-time job, not having to worry about whether or not i'm going to get hours in the double digits this week, but i did not get the job. i still don't know who got the job, but i basically don't care anymore.

i just dropped my LGI course. i was mainly taking it because it was a preffered certification for the full-time position. sure, i'd been interested in taking it before the job came up, but i just have this moral issue with taking the class, getting reimbursed for the cost, getting a pay raise, and then quitting only a few weeks later. yes, that's right, i'm quitting.

while i don't know for sure who got the job, i have a pretty good idea. and if my notion is correct, i cannot work under that person. i already have a hard enough time working with that person. and so, once the credit card bill is paid off, i will be leaving. finally.

i tried to leave back in march, and i did leave. but circumstances beyond our control had me going back to the pool. and i'm still here. this time, i will finally leave. i'm not coming back as long as i can help it. maybe i'll lifeguard again, but not here, not this place.

anyway, moving on, josh and i have found a home group at our church. there's about 3 other young married couples there and we all seem to get along really well. we went to dinner with two of the couples on sunday night. it was a lot of fun. we had a really good time. i'm very thankful God has placed us at our church. i just love it there. i look forward to services and am upset when we have to miss a week.

well, this has become a rather long post. maybe i'll post more later today. i'm at work, where internet access is free. that's all for now.

let's sing, everybody!!

"come on, shake your body, baby do the conga!
i know you can't control yourself any longer!
feel the rhythm of the music getting stronger!
don't fight it 'till you've tried it, baby,
do the conga beat!!"

i love the music at work! most of the time.

"don’t you worry if you can’t dance;
let the music move your feet!"

thank you, gloria. you rule.

fun at work

i know, the title is misleading. but bear with me.

during the water aerobics classes, the seniors tend to like to have music going in the background. here are just a few selections that were played today during said classes.

"down under"....men at work (gotta love vegemite)
"everybody have fun tonight"....wang chung
"wake me up before you go-go"....wham! (i love george michael!)
"centerfold"....either captain jack or the j. geils band
"walk the dinosaur"....was(not was)
*i'm not even kidding, the name of the band has the parenthesis and everything*
"the power of love"....huey lewis and the news

and the most awesomely bad song ever...
"we built this city" by starship (that one's for you, skip)

needless to say, the music today totally rocked!

job interview

so yesterday i had the most interesting job interview of my life.

i didn't get the job, in fact, i didn't really even interview for the job. the lday took one lok at my resume, said i was overqualified, then immediately starting looking for another job for me. apparently she has some contacts in the broadcast/radio and television world. and she got me in contact with one of them.

am i a little upset about not getting the job? yes, because just about anything would be better than where i am now. but i'm glad i went to the interview because now i've made a "friend" in the production world. finally! i have a contact! and the lasy was so cool; she wants me to keep in touch with her as my job search progresses. like, this lead that she got me, if it doesn't pan out, she wants me to let her know so she can lead me to another opportunity.

still no word on the full-time aquatics job. honestly, i don't know how i feel about that one. all i know is that if i don't get offered the position, i'm not staying there much longer.long enough to help pay off some bills, but that's it.

i'm now in a place where, yes, it'd be better if i had a job, but it's okay if i don't have one. in fact, not having one right now might be better for me. then i would have the time and flexibiliy to go and do odd jobs in my field, like be the coffee runner for one day at a shoot downtown. or run cables for a special event that comes up at the last minute. or fill in for a sound board operator. it'd be great to get paid for those jobs, (and i wouldn't refuse money) but if i don't get paid, that'd be okay, too. more experience, more contacts, networking is what i need. and if it gets to the point where i absolutely have to have a job, as long as i keep up my certifications, i can always get a job lifeguarding somewhere.

pray this contact i have pans out! i don't care if the only place they can use me is mopping floors, i'll do it!!

busy bee

i have been a very busy person this last week. i worked, had a job interview, packed up all of my belongings, moved said belongings to two different new homes, and proceeded to unpack said belongings at one of the new homes. yes, i am finally settling in.

most boxes are unpacked, my computer is set up, and life is starting to come into a routine. well, as routine as it can be when you have a part-time job and your hours can vary from week to week.

speaking of a job interview, i think my interview for the full-time position went well. i have not been able to set up an interview for the other job, but will be atempting to do so later on this morning.

and finally, i leave you with this:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DADDY!!!!
(even though it was yesterday; gimmie a break, i don't have internet access)
I LOVE YOU!!!

Don't fall off!

full house

well, we're all moved out and mostly moved in. it's amazing how much stuff we have. most of it, however, is being stored at my father's house in my old closet. the rest is in our room. soon we'll be able to bust some of the stored stuff out when the garage apartment gets built.

along with moving, i had a job interview this past thursday, and i am going to be scheduling another interview for another job opportunity. hopefully one of these will pan out. one is a full-time job that's not in my career field (well, the field my degree is in), and the other one is just a part-time job, but it's related to my career field. hopefully something will happen with one of these opportunities.

along with all that, i'm going to become a lifeguard instructor! i'll be taking the LGI class over the winter break. it'll be lots of work, and it won't be easy, but i'm looking forward to it. should be an okay time.

well, that's all for now. i'm at work bored out of my mind, but there's not much else to say. so i will leave you with this:
in the song "baby, one more time" by britney spears, what does that phrase mean exactly? just a pondering of us lifeguards as the senior citizens workout to late '90s pop.

happy giving of the thanks day

happy giving of the thanks day! or the day of giving thanks! or the day giving thanks of! or the thanks day of giving! or...well, i think you all get it by now!

well my husband is hard at work giving people their much-needed thanksgiving brew of coffee, and i'm at home, swamped in boxes. we are moving next week. *sniff, sniff*

it's sad to see all your things put in boxes. it's even sadder when you know most of those things are just going to sit in boxes for a long time. we are moving in with Josh's parents, my in-laws. it's sad. this is(was) our first apartment together. it's sad to say goodbye.

why are we bunkin' with the folks, you ask? and i answer: we don't have enough money to afford an apartment right now, at least not one we feel safe in. we don't make enough money to pass credit checks when applying for a lease. what about affordable housing? well, we would pass their credit checks, but still wouldn't be able to afford the cost of rent and utilities. and so we move in with the folks. but space is limited, so most of our stuff is going in storage.

there are some things i'm going to miss. like a lot of my movies, our dining table and chairs, my mixer(that thing makes the best cupcakes ever!!), all of my rubber duckies on display in the bathroom, and our nice, big walk-in closet. but i remind myself, these are just things.

but they're my(our) things!

having some of these things makes me feel like i'm actually married and that my husband and i are our own family. i know that we are without these things, but i can't explain it. these were things given to us to celebrate our marriage, the first big things that we purchased together, and now they are being boxed up and stored.

things won't stay. jobs, possessions, people. they all go away. they can all be taken away without any notice. but i know my God has a reason for the circumstances we are in. there's a purpose behind us moving in with the folks. though we would like to be able to support ourselves, current situations just aren't providing that. but God has provided us a place to stay.

i have so much to be thankful for. all thanks be to Him.

"for I know the plans I have for you,"says the Lord."they are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."
jeremiah 29:11

"and this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from His glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus."
philippians 4:19

goblet o' fire

so my husband and i went and saw the new harry potter movie last night. it was very good. after seeing all of the movies so far, it makes me want to read the books. maybe if i get started now i'll be able to finish the fifth book before the fifth movie comes out.

i used to love reading. when we would go up to the public library i would leave with an armful of books. i remember getting a lot of notices about books being overdue because i would either check out too many at once, or would get lost in a couple and read them over and over again. now i'm not a huge reader. i think senior english and then college ruined it for me.

in my senior english class we didn't get to choose from a list of books. instead we all read the same books together. it wasn't so much that we had to read the same book, it's that the quizzes/tests we took after we'd had a reading assignment were so into little details. i couldn't remember what color the vase was on the table rebecca set her glasses on in chapter seven. there was a vase? i could remember a summary of what happened and keep most of the important parts in mind.

junior english was different. we had a list of books we could choose from. we didn't have quizzes on what we read. instead we had assignments; writing assignments. analyze one paragraph from your book. any paragraph, any chapter, any book, as long as the book was on the list. write how your life is similar/different from that of the main character. write what you learned about life from this book. death? family? relationships? what were all these things like in this book?
so instead of picking my brain to see if i remembered a tiny detail (which would prove i did my homework), i got to tell about what i read. i went deeper into what is written on those pages. that made it kinda fun for being schoolwork.

then came college. so many different books to read for just one class, the multiply that times five. not many of those books were very fun to read. i only like technical reading when it;s about something i'm interested in. like music, italy, or audio/video production stuff (but even then it can be a bore). in college, it's almost as if your professors think you're only in one class for the entire semester. and that just doesn't make all the reading you have to do any fun.

now that i've been out of college for about a year and a half, i'm starting to get back into leisure reading. i still get bored with it sometimes, and my mind wanders off because it's hard for me to focus on the words, but i think i might actually enjoy reading the harry potter books. i mean, the movies were good, why shouldn't the books be?

bored once again

i have nothing better to do on my breaks.

Your Birthdate: March 23

You're not good at any one thing, and that's the problem. You're good at so much - you never know what to do. Change is in your blood, and you don't stick to much for long. You are destined for a life of travel and fun. Your strength: Your likeability Your weakness: You never feel satisfied Your power color: Bright yellow Your power symbol: Asterisk Your power month: May

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

hmmm...

my sister sent me this. I wonder what would happen if i changed just one answer. hmmm.....

Your Life is Like

Being John Malkovich

What John Cusack movie are you?

absolutely fantastic

overheard on the radio:

"ashley simpson said in an interview recently that when she gets married, she doesn't want to marry a singer. so, basically, she wants to marry someone just like her."

running around with underwear outside my pants...

this is all i have to say.

Take the quiz: "Which Random Irish Gaelic Phrase Are You? "

Ta mo bhriste tri thine
Ta mo bhriste tri thine - 'My trousers are on fire.'You're a few bricks short of a load, aren't you? You're probably not allowed to use sharp objects and you should be locked in a rubber room. With Rubber rats. Rubber rats? I hate rubber rats. They drive me crazy. Crazy? I was crazy once. They put me in a rubber room. With rubber rats. Rubber rats? I hate rubber rats...

challenge

so i have my cpr for the professional rescuer challenge this afternoon. if i don't pass...well, honestly i don't know what will happen if i don't pass. i've passed every other time. i can't see necessarily losing my job, but maybe having to take the entire course again. anywho, i'm really not that nervous about it. the skills, i know i have those down. what concerns me is the written exam. yes, i've taken it several times (i have to renew my cpr every year), but sometimes some of the questions can be very confusing, sometimes ambiguous. and there's one question i almost always miss. it has to deal with the use of a bag-valve mask. we don't have those at work, so it's not something that we continually go over. i should be fine, though. and if all goes well, after today, if you are ever in a breathing/choking/no pulse emergency, i'm there to help. stay safe!


***** update: I PASSED!!!! *****
i am now certified to admister cpr to those in need! yea me!! and i only missed 1 question. just one! i'm so proud of myself!! is that ok?

favorite commercial

okay, so this has got to be one of my absolute favorite commercials. this whole series of commercials was fantastic, but this one takes the cake.

watch it here.

xanga for thought

i was on rachel's xanga site and i started looking at all the people who have subscriptions to her site. i clicked on the links to their xanga sites and was amazed to see how many people i recognized from houston and cfbc. i sometimes wish i had kept in better touch with some of these people. since i moved right before my senior year, while i made many trips to visit and did stuff in the summer with my old youth group, i still missed out on a very important year of friendships. i didn't get to find out where everyone was going to school, or come home on Christmas break and hang out. to see that they all still keep in touch to a certain degree is kind of bittersweet for me.

see, i'm glad they have been able to keep in touch with each other, but i just wish i had been able to keep in touch with them as well. it's weird; i was a leader in the youth group, then i move and it's like i became disconnected with most of them. not because we all had a big falling out or anything, it just happened.

while i know reconnecting with all of them is basically impossible, i would still like to get in touch with them. i made a xanga with a link to this site(since this is my primary weblog), so i have the ability to subscribe to their sites. i just hope they remember me.

google fun part 1

okay, so i got this off a friend's blog, who got it off another friend's blog. i'm sure this has been going from blog to blog for awhile now. but anyway, here it is.

go to google and type " 'your name' needs"

make sure you use the quotes. for example, mine would be "katie needs"

see what comes up for you and tell me about it. here's just a taste of what i found.


katie needs a wand. possibly because she is missing out on a certain part of life that requires the use of a wand
(so that's what i've been missing!!)

katie needs a swift kick in the butt
(can't argue with that one)

katie needs to nap more during the day
(amen!!)

katie needs haikus
(you know, i didn't know that's what i needed)

katie needs to hit Carl over the head with that cow bell of his
(sounds like carl needs it)

katie needs a real man, not someone who believes in aliens and acts as though those very aliens gave him an honorary degree in psychiatry!
(how true!!)

katie needs IV fluids
(dr pepper, just give it to me through the veins)

katie needs no deheading
(i actually would like to keep my head, though i don't know why this statement needed to be made in the first place)


have fun!!!

don't know what to say...

my heart is hurting for some very dear friends. see, something they have been wanting for a long time seemed like it was finally going to happen. but God has taken it away. you can read about it here or here

it hurts me because i don't know what to say. i don't really know what to do. all i know is that i want them to know if they need anything, ANYTHING, all they have to do is ask.

there's a song by a group Watermark called "Glory Baby". Christie and Nathan endured 2 miscarriages before God blessed them with sweet little Noah, and at least one more child. this song talks about that experience and how they were able to make it through this time in their life. even though i have not experienced that pain first hand, it brings comfort to me.

when my mother died, i had so many questions, so many emotions. i still do. i wrote a poem just a few days after the Lord took her home. amazingly enough, i submitted it to a contest, and while it didn't win, i did get it published. though i'm talking about my mother, it seems to go along with this circumstance as well. i may never know all the reasons why, and i know that i don't have to. but i sure would love to know.

a love without limits

i don't understand why,
why He had to take her away.
i didn't want to lose her.
how could He say He loves me and then hurt me?
i love you, He said.

she was so young.
i was so young.
i loved her too much to let her go.
i need her here with me.
you don't need her, He said.

He left me alone.
all alone.
i had nobody.
i needed somebody.
all you need is me, He said.

i didn't understand why,
why he hade to take her.
i didn't want to lose her.
but now i understand why He did.
because He loves me.

friends, i love you two so very, very much. i hurt for you and i'm praying for you. remember, i'm always here for you, no matter what you need.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

to the love of my life.....


HAPPY 25th BIRTHDAY!!!! i love you so much and i can't wait to celebrate many more of your birthdays together!!!

how bored am i

at the prompting of another friend's blog, i made up a quiz for you all to take. it's about me, so we will soon see how well you all know me. have fun. maybe i'll make another one sometime. for now, i was bored and couldn't think of a ton of hard questions. we'll see what happens. happy quiz taking!!!



the quiz is here. there's no turning back now.

make me whole

i don't know who wrote this song, but it is basically the cry of my heart at this point in my life.

Lord, restore us, and revive us
take Your servant
make me whole

with lives so broken
hearts unspoken
take Your servant
make me whole

sweet surrender, take me under
Your strong tower
and make me whole

Sweet surrender, take me under
Your strong tower
and make me whole

Lord, remove us, and refine us
take Your child and
make me whole

empty-handed, all-dependant
take Your child and make me whole

sweet surrender, take me under
Your strong tower
and make me whole

Sweet surrender, take me under
Your strong tower
and make me whole

make me whole, Jesus make me whole
make me whole, Lord make me whole

decompressing

so i'm back from the women's retreat. it is so good to be back in texas, and back in the city. i love nature, don't get me wrong, but i am totally a city girl. i would much rather live in the city than in the country. i learned a lot this weekend, though, and God totatlly has something huge in store for my life. i'm going to share a bit of what he revealed to me, and ask for you all to pray for me as i go on this long, hard road ahead of me.

i've been carrying around a lot of hurt. i haven't necessarily realized i was holding it all in(i knew i was holding some in), but God made that so clear to me saturday afternoon after our third session of the day.

i have been hurting since elementary school. that's when it all started. i was never a popular kid, and, in my mind, i've never been really much to look at. kids picked on me in early elementary school, even kids i was friends with at church. kids on the street picked on me, it just felt like everybody in the world was picking on me. and it wasn't the kind of picking you do with your friends, where everyone laughs about it. no, this was malicious, out to hurt the other person, picking and making fun of.

this continued into middle school, when all the "friends" i'd made in elementary school suddenly wouldn't talk to me anymore. the way i describe it, they all became "too cool" for me. the friends i had at school, i never really felt like i connected with them. now, i know everyone goes through an awkward phase around middle school, but it seemed to hit me really hard. i was skinny, flat as a board, with braces, acne and really big glasses (some may say it was the style, but style or not, even today kids' sized sunglasses can be too big for my face. just imagine how big they were on my face back then). it was also during middle school that my mom got sick. so here i was, an awkward middle-schooler, still hurting from elementary school, who not only has to deal with being hurt by her peers, but also has to deal with a different kind of hurt that comes from having one of your parents battling a fatal illness.

throughout this time, i kept most of the pain bottled up inside. every now and then, at a youth retreat or just hanging out at the youth office(where i basically lived through out middle and high school), that bottle would spill over and out. but i would usually put a cork in that bottle relatively quickly and grab a new one to catch what other hurt was to come.

then came high school. even more awkward. sure, i'd ditched the glasses for contacts and my teeth had shifted to where they should so the metal was removed from my teeth, but kids still remembered me as the girl to pick on and make fun of. let me just say right now that words are so incredibly powerful, both in a positive way and negative. it was also during my freshman year in high school that my mother's health took a nose dive and about a month from the end of the school year she went home to be with the Lord. so here comes more pain. more hurt. a different kind than i'd ever felt before. and more and more bottles to catch and store everything.

i'm realizing now that i haven't truly dealt with my mother's death. i thought i had. but i was 15. i didn't know what i was supposed to do. i didn't know that i should get some kind of counseling. all i knew was that i didn't want to finish out high school being known as the girl whose mother died.

don't get me wrong, i have some really good, genuine friends. and i have such a wonderful and loving husband, who is just so perfect for me that it blows me away to think about it. but most of my friends don't know this about me. my husband didn't even fully know until i called him this weekend and told him about it. and all this hurt is why that even when my friends and family joke with me, where it's meant to make me laugh, it just kills me inside. it absolutely kills me.

God showed me this weekend that i have been hurting for almost my entire life, somewhere around 15 to 20 years of hurt. and it's not just been kids at school. family has hurt me, probably without even realizing it. and that's a very hard thing for me to say because i know some of them will read this, and they might be hurt by this, but that is not my intention at all. God's showing me i need to be honest with myself, and admitting who has hurt me is just one tiny step.

i'm so scared to start this long healing process. i've been living like this for so long that i have no idea what i'm supposed to do. i don't know where to start, who to talk to, what therapy i need. and i'm scared of what my life is going to feel like afterwards, the whole "not living in a state of hurt". i also know the path to healing is not a pleasant one; that healing hurts. i'm so scared right now. but i know this is what God is asking of me. and that's why i'm starting. it's not going to be easy, and it may take years. but i know that His way is the best way, and that His way is the only way.

off to OK

well, i'm off to Oklahoma(yes, where the wind, does in fact, come sweeping down the plain). why am i going there, you may ask? our church is having a women's retreat and i'm going on it. yes, this means that my beloved husband will have to brave a weekend on his own for the first time since we got hitched. i'm sure he'll do just fine.

it should be a good weekend. i'll probably have stuff to post about when i return. and if not, i'll still post something. well, i'm off to OK!!!

a mildly traumatic event

so i underwent a mildly traumatic event yesterday. i'm ok, don't worry, but i'm still trying to recover.

many of you know that i have straight, brown hair, and it's generally been very long. i had short, short hair in elementary school, and a little into middle school. but since my seventh grade year, i haven't hair "short" hair. my hair has always been classified as long. even when i cut off nearly 8 inches last summer, it was still a few inches below my shoulders.

yesterday i went to get my hair cut. i usually will wait until after summer since the past five summers or so i've been lifeguarding. the sun mixed with the chlorine or lake water can really damage my hair, especially the ends. they always turn dead by the end of summer. there's no point in cutting my hair during the summer, since the new ends would die. so i wait until i'm out of the sun and pool. well, yesterday was time.

i lost about a foot of hair. yep, that's right. i had a professional, jason, chop off at least 12 inches. that was just the preliminary cut. he tied my hair back with a rubber band, and snipped right above it. my heart was racing as i felt the scissors snipping my locks off. he handed me the mass of hair and i stared at it in shock. yes, this is what i asked for, but it was still slightly traumatic. i put my old hair into a ziplock bag and then we walked over to the sink, where the rest of my haircut experience continued.

needless to say, my hair actually looks cute. i didn't completely like the way jason styled it, but my husband loved the way it looked. the stlye didn't feel like it fit my personality. my hair hits just at my shoulders, maybe slightly below, and is layered. i now have less than half the amount of hair i had before. it's weird. by hairstyle standards, my hair is still "long", or at least medium-length to long. but to me it looks sooooooo short. what am i going to do with over a foot of hair in my possession? well, i'm going to donate it. i don't know where just yet, i'm looking up places that take hair donations. as soon as i know who i'm donating to, i'll post that information.

i'm dealing with the event well. my head feels so different. with time, i'm sure i will recover. but it was still mildly traumatic. at least for me.

make my day

ok, so i didn't have the best day on friday. work is just not fun. but i saw something on the way home from work that totally made my day.

the oscar mayer wienermobile.

i am not even lying about this. i saw it on highway 75, heading north, somewhere between allen and plano.

it was awesome!

looking forward

i'm so ready for Christmas. i'm ready for the cooler weather, no more hurricanes, Christmas carols, cookies, hot cocoa. in my opinion it truly is the most wonderful time of the year.

blah

today my mind is just blah. i'm sitting at work(not enjoying it, as usual), frustrated with the way some things are going around here(that's for another post), and just feeling blah. i've kinda been feeling blah for a few days now. don't know why, exactly, but just blah. it's not a sick feeling, like i've got a virus or something, but just, well, blah.

blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.

yesterday

september 17.........6 pm........outside.........100 degrees

welcome to texas

before it's over, i want to.....

...voice an animated character

...produce an album

...record my own album

...go to Italy for a month

...record and perform a song with Third Day

...live on the east coast

...live on the west coast

...start my own production company

...name my company "Bitsy Productions"

...be in a movie

another birthday

I wanted to wish my mother-in-law a very HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! We'll see you tonight, if possible, but definitely tomorrow night! We love you!!

"get used to disappointment"

so i called the city of rowlett today. they already filled the position of video producer. i didn't get the job.

it's very disappointing. this is what i went to school for. thisis what my college degree is in. this is something that i really enjoy doing. yet i can't seemto get a job doing it.

thecity of mckinney, which i currently work for, has opened up the part-time video producer position again. i applied for it back in april, and had an interview, but didn't get it. so i'm gonna apply again. it's a job in my field. even though it might not be my favorite thing, it'll help add some experience to my resume. maybe if they see that i'm reapplying, they might figure i'll do a good job. cause i know i'll do a great job.

maybe something will turn up. i just keep hearing wesley from the princess bride: "get used to disappointment"

i love 80s music

Pop Junkie!!!

I scored a 99!!!

I rocked out on the 80s music quiz!

Take The Quiz Here

having some fun

Your Brain's Pattern

Your mind is a firestorm - full of intensity and drama. Your thoughts may seem scattered to you most of the time... But they often seem strong and passionate to those around you. You are a natural influencer. The thoughts you share are very powerful and persuading.

What Pattern Is Your Brain?

Your Hidden Talent

You are both very knowledgeable and creative. You tend to be full of new ideas and potential - big potential. Ideas like yours could change the world, if you build them. As long as you don't stop working on your dreams, you'll get there.

What's Your Hidden Talent?

Your Power Color Is Red-Orange

At Your Highest: You are warm, sensitive, and focused on your personal growth. At Your Lowest: You become defensive and critical if you feel attacked. In Love: You are loyal - but you demand the respect you deserve. How You're Attractive: You are very affectionate and inspire trust. Your Eternal Question: "Am I Respected?"

What's Your Power Color?

i knew i liked orange for a reason!

a little late...

ok, so i know this is like a week late, but.......



HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SISTER!!! I love you!! hope you enjoy your birthday present!

i'm 15% incomplete

You Are 50% Weird

Normal enough to know that you're weird... But too damn weird to do anything about it!

How Weird Are You?

You Are 35% Normal(Occasionally Normal)

You sure do march to your own beat... But you're so weird, people wonder if it's a beat at all You think on a totally different wavelength And it's often a chore to get people to understand you

How Normal Are You?

so where's the last 15%?

happy birthday

i want to wish a hearty HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! to one of my best friends, ABBEY!!!!! Happy Birthday, girl!!

i also want to wish a hearty BELATED HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! to my brother-in-law, JOSHUA! Happy Birthday One-Day-Late, Brother!!!

nothing more

well, yesterday i droped off my application at the City of Rowlett. now there's nothing more i can do. all i can do is wait for God to either have them call me for an interview, or for them to bury my application in a file somewhere where it will remain for years to come. i'm hoping for the former. all i know is i'm so ready to leave the pool.

f.y.i.

So I just discovered on the City of Rowlett webpage that they are hiring for an assistant video producer. please pray that i get this job, if it's where God wants me. it would be so awesome! and it's full-time!

heart and mind and soul

i've been feeling a little down lately. it's not just one thing, it's a lot of things. things like, are we going to make rent next month, and what about all our bills, and why can't i be doing something i really love for a job?

i have a confession to make. i've been obsessed with the entertainment industry for as long as i can remember. i've always loved singing and acting, making music and being able to connect with people through art and comedy. i love going to movies and listening to music. i love making music. not only do i enjoy the "in the public eye" aspect of the indusry, but the behind the scenes stuff as well. i enjoyed being in theatre all through middle school and high school; i enjoyed leading worship throughout high school and college(and still today). i went to college and earned a degree in radio/television production, and had a lot of fun in my classes. but there still seems to be something missing. i'm still not working in this field.

i have been looking for a job in my field, and it's been hard to find something here in Dallas. i want to move to California or New York, because there's so much more activity in my field in these places. i know there's a lot of competition, but there's also a lot mor to be competitive about. but in moving to one of these places, one needs to have the funds to do so. and right now josh and i don't have the funds for much of anything.

i'm struggling with this desire to pursue my dream. ever since i was little i imagined myslef being in the entertainment industry in some form or fashion. it's really hard to determine whether this whole thing is my desire, or if it's God's desire for me. but i do know that He's gonna take care of me.

"But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus."
-Phillipians 4:19

"Take delight in the LORD,and he will give you your heart's desires."
-Psalm 37:4

messy mind

my mind is a mess. there's so many things going on insode of it right now, that it would take me several posts to try to organize my mind. so i'll just hit a few things.

i had an interview with the Texins Activity Center yesterday. it's located on the main Texas Instruments campus at 635 and 75. the interview went well and the guy offered me a job. well, he didn't exaclt offer me a job, but he handed me all the paperwork that i would need to take home and fill out and bring back. i don't know if it went well because he thought i was qualified, or if they are just so desperate for lifeguards and swim instructors that he was going to take on anyone who showed him their certification cards.

so i took the paper work and he showed me around the pool and explained how things would run. i never exactly agreed to take the job, meaning i never said "Yes, I will most definitely become an employee of the Activity Center". but i did take all the paperwork home. i have yet to return it.

for some reason i just didn't have a good feeling about it. i can't explain why exactly, but there are a few things that really bothered me. for one, there would be no other lifegurds with me on any of my guarding shifts. what happens if some person being stupid dives into the shallow end and i have to backboard him? you can't backboard someone with just one person. there are also no lifeguards on duty when swim lessons or water aerobics are going on. it's just the responsibility of the instructors to pay attention to every single person in the water.

there was another things that really did not sit well with me. while i was down in the pool area, there was this man who liked to sit on the bottom of the deep end with a small dumbell in his lap. like a little 5-10 pounder. first of all, that is totally not safe. second, he's been told it's not a safe thing to do, and thirdly, this was while a class was going on - with no lifeguard on duty. the guy i interviewed with said that because people pay a membership fee, they can do whatever they want. whether that was his decision or a decision from higher up, it bothered me the rest of the day.

i'm going to call the guy tomorrow and tell him that i don't think i should take the job. i prayed about it and have just not had a good feeling about it since i left the interview. i don't want to put myself in a work environment where my skills as a lifeguard could be jeopardized because of poor structure of a program. i don't want to be sued for going in after someone and he or she not surviving becuse i didn't have proper backup as a lifeguard. and i'm really okay with not taking it. the haven't photocopied anything(like my certifications, driver's license, or ss card), or started to process any paperwork. sure it would be nice to have an extra job, but when my reputation could be at stake, that's not exactly something i want to sign up for.

well, that's part of the messy mind. but it's okay that my mind is messy; i'm used to my room being that way.

just keep swimming

so i'm teaching swim lessons again. it's ok. it's not so much that i mind teaching lessons, cause i don't, but it's my first session this summer and i know it's different than last summer because there's a new person in charge. but i feel like i've kinda been thrown into it without knowing what's going on. for instance, we have one day that is reserved as "safety day." well, i remember what we did last year, but this year is slightly different. instead of telling me what i'm supposed to go over with my students, i'm just kinda thrown into it, hoping i cover everything my boss wants me to cover. i guess my main thing is it would be nice to know what's expected of me. not only in what i'm supposed to teach, but what i'm supposed to do. am i grading my students this year, or is someone else coming around to evaluate? it can just be alittle frustrating.

so as much as i don't want to be working as a lifeguard for the city anymore, i really need a better paying job. so, i called about a job opening for swim instructors and lifeguards at Texins. i don't know if it pays better, but it's attached to Texas Instruments, so i'm guessing it pays at least as well as i'm making now.so, hopefully i'll get the job and it will pay better. i really want to get away from working for the city. as i've said before, i'm the oldest person there and lately i've felt my maturity level drop when i'm at work. it gets kinda frustrating.

josh got a job with Starbucks and started working last week. once his hours pick up, i'll be able to cut down on my hours at the city, or wherever i'm working at that time. i still really want to go into the entertainment field, but for now i'm having to put that on hold. and that's a whole other post in itself. there's so many things i want ot post about, but right now i just haven't the time. maybe next week when things slow down at work.

road trip

Josh and I went down to H-town this weekend. We're still here, actually. We came down for one of my best friend's birthday. It's been really fun. Because of her job, she is staying in the Renaissance hotel, so we got to stay with her. She was so sweet. Her room had a king bed, so she asked for a roll-away cot thing and let us newlyweds have the king bed. Oh it was so comfortable!! And the service was great. But best of all, it was all free!! At least for us, anyway.

We also stopped by and saw my grandmother Shirley. It was kinda hard to see her. She seems to be getting into her last days. While we were talking to her, she kept getting us confused with other people, or forgetting who we were, or what we had done. It was kind of hard to talk to her, and tell her "no, I'm Katie. My mom hasn't been here for eight years." I just pray she's not in much pain. As much as I still want her around and alive, sometimes you just wish she could no longer be in pain, and be in a place where there's no pain. I don't know if that makes sense, or if it sounds mean or ill-hearted, but I really just want her suffering to be over.

We were going to go to Surfside Beach this weekend and say hi to Momma, but with the hurricane and all the rain, we aren't going to be able to make the trip. We were kinda looking forward to it, but we will just have to save it for the next time. But for now, it's time to watch a movie. I'll be back later, probably after Josh and I get back to Big D. Peace!

revisiting...

so on friday at the pool, the water aerobics intsructor tossed beach balls into the pool and had the seniors try to keep them up in the air. This has been attempted a couple of other times, but this time, the seniors were actually getting the hang of it. The hit it at least 7 times in a row before it landed in the water. They were all laughing and seemed to be having such a good time. This event usually is quite entertaining for us lifeguards, since the ball would usually only be hit once before taking a dive. It's funny watching seniors attempt a game that children love to play, whether with a beach ball in water, or a birthday party balloon. It made me want to revisit part of my childhood.

I went home and found some Play-Doh. I forgot I had some. Last summer I made little goodie bgs for the preschoolers I taught swim lessons to. I bought a thing of like 10 little Play-Doh samples. I had two left over - orange and black. So I busted out the colors and started creating. I made a replica "Leaning Tower of Pisa" that had an orange floor ever other floor and black floors in between the orange ones. It even had little window looking things all around it.

It was so much fun to take some time out and just play. I didn't have to think about all the things that needed to get done around the apartment, or think about how little money we have, or wonder how we're going to pay all the bills this next month, or wonder how we're gonna make it, or worry about Josh not being able to find a job. I could just play. It was so much fun. I think I'm going to start taking a little time each day to just play.

reflection

I watched the sun rise today. It wasn't a special day or anything, but the sun starts to rise when I'm on my way to work. Lately, this event hasn't been anything spectacular. It's either been stormy and overcast, or just bright and blue. But today it was beautiful. It reminded me of when I was little.

We used to take family vacations to Galveston. We would stay at, I believe it was the Galyan, and I remember our "room" would always consist of these things: a main bedroom, two bunk beds built into the wall, a kitchen, a living area with a hide-a-bed, and an ocean-view balcony. Well, technically it was a gulf-view, but to me it will always be an ocean view.

Mom and Dad would stay in the main bedroom, while my brother, sister and I would take turns in the bunks and on the hide-a-bed. And whenever I would sleep on the hide-a-bed, that following morning Momma and I would get up early and watch the sun rise. Sometimes I was awake first, sometimes she would come and wake me up, and sometimes I'd wake up to her moving around in the kitchen. We would sit on the balcony, watching the sun come up over the ocean. This morning looked like one of those sunrises Momma and I would share.

I don't know why I noticed it so much this morning. For the past year I've been at work before the sun comes up, and there have been some gorgeous sunrises. But today was different. I don't know how, but it was. Just different.

i can't seem to escape it

Well, I'm back at the pool. I'm trying to have a good attitude about it, but there comes a point where you're 23 years old, married, and have a college degree, and you really don't want to be lifeguarding anymore. It's not like it's a very hard job(don't get me wrong, it is harder than most people think), it's just that I've been doing it for so long, I kinda want to get away from it. But at the same time, Josh doesn't have a job and with this job I was able to start immediately. It's one of those "for worse" times in our marriage. You do what has to be done. you might not like getting up at 5 every morning and working 10 hour shifts, but you do it.

I was thinking the other day about how much I loved working at camp. Besides the fact that I got a killer tan and lost about 25 pounds each summer, I felt like I was really doing something worthwhile. Granted, I was lifeguarding. And guarding at camp is a lot harder than guarding at a city pool. But I was working with kids, I was impacting them, I was using my hands getting into the dirt and building something.

My second (and last) summer, there was a kid who fell off the blob backwards and caught his neck on the rope. We had to backboard him and they took him to the hospital. I was the first responding guard; I had seen the whole thing happen from my post at the top of the blob tower. He came back and it ended up being just a sprain. It could have been a lot worse. When he got back from the hospital, the kid came up to me and thanked me for saving him. I didn't feel like I had done anything special, I had just done my job. But when he came up to me and I saw that he was better, it gave me such joy.

I started thinking about how I had saved him physically, but who knows who I had saved spiritually in all of my conversations with the kids at camp. I don't remember "leading them to the Lord", you know, with the Roman road and a prayer and all that. But I talked to kids, asked about their interests, what they thought of the worship times, how God has made a difference in my life, what I got out of the worship times. Maybe, just maybe one of those kids thought about God differently and is now free from sin, all because I talked to them.

I don't need to know how many, or if any at all. But it was really cool to think about that. I often times forget, but I realized just how similar my fleshly job is to my spiritual job. I need to be watching out for people, for their (spiritual)safety. And when I see them start to go down, I need to jump in and save them. Maybe I won't see instant results, maybe I won't see any results, but I do know that I have to try my best. Every day I pray that God will keep me alert as I watch the pool, and that He will help me remember all of my skills if I need to take action. But how I forget to ask Him to help me in the job that all believers are called to do.

Lord, help me to not only me a physical lifeguard, but a spiritual one as well. Help me to recognize those in need. Help me know what I need to do to save them. Lord, I know it's only You who can save them, but use me to help. Enable me to do what you have called me to do.

weirdness

for some reason, my latest post wasn't viewable from "www.latortugadelanoche.blogspot.com" but was if you dropped the "www" from the beginning. I'm posting this post to see if it will show this one and the other one on the full web address. this is only a test.

the aftermath

josh went into work today. not to deliver anymore water, but to settle things with regard to the accident. we are both doing much better physically today than yesterday. my bruising is looking prettier, or a lot worse, depending on your point of view. we did get some bad news today, though. apparently josh will no longer be able to drive for the company because the insurance won't cover him anymore. there also isn't anything available at the plant for him full time. his boss is gracious enough to let him work in the plant for two weeks, but after that, he's out of a job. i don't currently have a job. i went on an interview last week, but found out from the friend who got me the interview that i didn't get the job.

i called my old boss for the city today. he was keeping me on payroll in case, well, i don't even know in case of what, but maybe it's in case of this. there's a possibility that he can take me back working, and possibly make me a pool manager. not the greatest job, but it would give me full time hours during the summer at least, and would be a nice pay raise compared to what i was making when i left. and he said i could probably stay indoors at the senior pool. don't get me wrong, i enjoy working outside during the summer and getting a nice tan, but when you're outside in the sun for 8 hours a day, it just drains you. so anyway, at least there's that possibility of having a job during the summer that is "full time" while josh tries to find a job.

i haven't really completely organized my thoughts on this whole situation. when i heard the news from my husband, i wanted to cry, but if i did it would have hurt my nose a whole heck of a lot. who knew that someone who had been a perfect driver for the company for 4 or 5 years would be dropped after getting into one accident? you'd think the previous good driving would count for something. oh well.

when you're getting married, you think about what your married life will be like and feel like for those first few months. i never thought that within one month of getting married my husband would lose his job. God took care of us in the accident, and i know He's got something planned for us, but it's so hard to see right now. all i can see is the rent that's due in a few days, the utility bills, the credit card bill(which luckily won't be too bad since we hardly use it), and all these other things that we're responsible for. please pray for us as we try to figure out how we're gonna make it. just pray.

where did that come from?!?!

So I went delivering with Josh yesterday. We usually find that fun. We get to spend the day together and work together and drive around the DFW metroplex in a box truck full of bottled water. Well, we were about halfway done with our route when we come up to a stop sign. Josh makes a complete stop and then we see a white car coming from our right make a complete stop after us. At least we're pretty sure she did. We figured "hey, they must have a stop sign, which would make it our turn to go." After all, we were on a somewhat main road. When I say that, it means that on the Mapsco page it was on, the name of the street was in bigger capital letters than the other ones around it. Not bolded, but bigger. So since it was our turn, Josh proceeds out into the intersection to continue going straight on that street we were currently on. I look over to tell Josh something and I see this late 80s, early 90s Ford truck within feet of the driver's side door, heading straight at us, coming with lots of speed.

BAM!! All of a sudden, the box truck that we're in is turned almost a complete 90 degrees from where we just were. We were in a major car accident. The Ford must have hit us at a pretty high speed (my guess is higher than the limit on that road) in order to turn this big delivery truck 90 degrees. The damage? The Ford didn't seem to have much damage. It was crunched up nicely, but it didn't look like anything under the hood got broken. Guess they really do build them "Ford Tough." The delivery truck? Well, the radiator got busted, and the driver door could not be opened. Basically, the driver's half of the cab took it pretty hard. The side window shattered, the gear selector, which was between Josh and myself, was angled and bent and could be put into park. As for the white car that seemed to have made a complete stop; well, let's say it was a miracle that the girl driving got out of her car easily and without a scratch on her. Apparently when the Ford turned us, the hood of her car got trapped under the box part of the truck. Her windshield was pretty shattered and kind of flattened in a little bit. Again, a miracle she walked away unscathed, however, very understandably shaken up.

The fireman/EMT guys happened to be just down the road and got to us within about 3 minutes of the accident happening. By the time Josh and I got out of the truck through the passenger side and to the side of the road, they were already there. The police got there just a few minutes later. All of them were very nice. They checked all of us out and there were no serious injuries.

Even though we were in the biggest vehicle, Josh and I were the only ones with apparent physical injuries. He has a small bump on his head and a scratch across his left shoulder (where he hit the door on impact), his left leg is sore and he has a bruise on the inside of his right knee. I, on the other hand, got it worst of all. The gear selector decided to have a field day on my left leg. I have a bruise that extends from the middle of the top of my thigh, down the outside, to the middle of the back of my thigh. It is about the size of a sweet potato, as far as the width of it. Since the only seatbelt I had was a lap belt, my lap is pretty bruised up. Plus I have a bump on the side of my nose. And I ache all over.

Everything happened so fast. I saw the truck coming after it was too late, then I feel pain in my leg and my nose and all of a sudden, we're face a totally different direction. I thought my nose was broken once we came to a stop. I new what had hit my leg, but I still have no idea what bopped my nose. My best guess is the clipboard I was holding in my lap. Luckily my nose isn't broken, but it hurts like heck. I feel pretty beat up.

Last night Josh and I kept thinking of how this could have been avoided. Had we doubled checked where we were going, had we left sooner, all sorts of things. But we are still baffled about a couple of things. Number 1, where did that Ford truck come from? Josh is a safe driver. He looks both ways before going. He comes to complete stops, and I mean truly complete stops, whenever he's delivering. Number 2, if that truck was there and Josh just wasn't looking hard enough, why didn't the truck see us? We totally admit we were at fault, but just keep wondering, how did this happen?
Number 3, how could a truck (granted it was an F-250) move and turn our big box truck almost a complete 90 degrees when we had just started to accelerate from a complete stop? He must have been moving pretty fast to do that. Number 4, how in the world did that girl in the white car walk away without a scratch on her? When I got to the side of the road and saw that car, I was amazed to see the driver walking around.

As I look back on yesterday, I can't do much else but thank God. So many things could have happened. There could have been pedestrians around, the damage could have been a lot worse, that girl in the white car could have been severely injured. God had His hand on us yesterday. Even though we're beat up and bruised, we're okay. And everyone else involved is okay. I'm sure they're sore today, too. Now comes the fun part. Dealing with company insurance, our medical stuff, all the wonderful things that come as a result of being in an auto accident. But we're trusting God to take care of us. He's gonna have to. And we know He will. We witnessed that yesterday. Praise the Lord.

adjusting

so i've been married for over two weeks now, and i think i'm finally starting to adjust. it's still weird living with another person. sure i've had roommates before, but never a male roommate. but i have to say, God is very cool. He created this whole marriage thing and it's great! still a little weird, but nonetheless, very cool.

josh and i just got plano library cards. after all, we live in the city now, so we figured we'd get a library card and check out books for free instead of blowing all his hard earned money at barnes and noble, or some other bookstore. and that's where i am right now. we're too poor to afford internet access right now, so i am taking advantage of free high-speed internet. hopefully this will encourage me to get out of the apartment more so i can come on here and blog more often. but for now, i'm a happily married 23 year old with no job. life is great!

i'm married!!

I'M MARRIED!!!!!!!!

That's right, folks, I got myself a husband! Gosh, that's so weird. It's weird in a good way. I've never been able to say "I have a husband" before, but now I do, and I can! It's still all just a little weird.

I cannot describe what it feels lke to be standing behind the chapel doors, my arm looped through my fathers, waiting for the doors to open, revealing my groom waiting for me at the altar. It was so surreal. I remember standing there, thinking "this is really happening? it doesn't feel real." But the good news is it was real and now I'm a wife!

People have asked me "so how's married life?" My response? It's weird. It doesn't really feel that different, except that now, Josh doesn't have to leave to go back to hs house, nor do I have to leave and go back to mine. I guess we kind of have this idea in our heads that marriage is going to be so different from what you're used to. I guess that's partly true. But Josh and I spent so much time together before we got married, that it doesn't feel that much different. It feels right.

The wedding turned out beautifully. There weren't any real problems. We said the right names, we had the rings, we wrote our own vows. But there was one tiny problem. The people who set up the chapel forgot to put out the bread and juice for our communion! The plate was there, the cup was there, but there was nothing to partake of! So what did we do? We faked it. We prayed (for real), but when it came time to eat and drink, I reverted back to my theatre days of pantomime. Other than that, everything went great. The reception was wonderful, food was good, and the weather was perfect!! God totally blessed us that day, allowing everything to go smoothly and the weather to cooperate with our plans.

I am so happy. I now have a husband!!

from the farmland

Well, Daddy was released from the hospital yesterday (saturday). His surgery on wednesday went really well. They ended up doing 6 bypasses instead of 7. The surgeon was highly respected by all the nursing staff, and speaking of them, all of the nursing staff were great. So now we are hanging out at the hotel, waiting to go to a follow-up on tuesday and also waiting to get the green light to fly home the next day. Kristen, my sister, is flying up here tomorrow. It'll be good to have the family in one place.

I can't imagine how my sister is dealing. She hasn't been able to be up here with us and I'm sure it's been killing me. It was killing me until I was able to be up here. Even though I didn't know if my dad had made it through when I landed, I still felt better knowing that I was up here. So Mija, I love you and I'm praying for you. I can't wait until you can be here with us.

I feel kinda helpless. I mean, my dad is doing great, considering he just had major heart surgery less than a week ago. But I wish I knew what I could do for him. I don't want to baby him, cause he doesn't need or want that. But I wish there was something I could do. My guess is once we all get back home things will get better. I'm sure he'll be more comfortable in his own house around familiar territory. But I still wish there was something I could do right now.

Please keep the prayers coming. Pray that my dad makes a swift and safe recovery. Pray that we encounter no complications that would keep us from going home this wednesday. Pray that as we all fly, my dad will be comfortable and that it will be a safe flight. Pray he can get upgraded to first class, which would be more comfortable for him. And pray for us, his kids and his family, that we would know how to help him and that we would be able to deal with all of this. It's been an emotional roller coaster for me. Plus with my wedding less than three weeks away, I've got a lot to think about. Before his surgery, I was just worried about whether or not he would be here, period. I wasn't even concerned about the wedding. But now I know I need to think about that again. I know things will work out, but it is kind of stressful for me right now. So pray, also, that all the final wedding details will work themselves out beautifully. Thanks, and God Bless.

no words fit

so it's been a rough few days. after hours and days of searching, my future husband and I finally found an apartment. That was tiresome, but nothing compared to what else i would encounter.

on monday evening, i get a call from my sister.

(me) hello?
(sister) hey, have you talked to dad?
(me) no, why?
(sister) he's in the hospital in Illinois.
(me)i fall down on the floor what? i knew he was in illinois on a business trip
he was having chest pains and the plant manager took him to the ER.

the conversation went on and come to find out that they didn't know if my daddy had had a heart attack or not, but that this enzyme/protein level in his blood, which is indicative of a heart problem, was elevated. they had done an EKG, and that looked good, but since the level was rising, they were going to keep him overnight and monitor the level. there was a chance they would have to take him to another hospital and perform a heart catheterization to see what, if anything, was going on.

overnight the level stabilized, but they still wanted to take him to a different hospital so they could look around. my daddy went in for that catheterization this afternoon around 4. all was not so good.

Daddy has 4 arteries blocked at between 80-95%, and 2 arteries blocked at around 60%. needless to say, they are going to have to do something about this. so tomorrow, april 13, sometime between 11 a.m. and 1 p.m., my father is going to have quintuple bypass surgery. yes, that's 5 bypasses. i didn't even know they did that many.

my father is in good spirits. my brother, kyle, is flying up there early wednesday morning, and i'll be flying up there wednesday evening. my sister, kristen will be coming up there closer to the time when he will be released from the hospital. it looks like if all goes well, that should be about the middle of next week.

i'm not gonna lie, i'm pretty shaken about this. i know God has everything in control, but that doesn't mean i don't want my dad around. I'm getting married in less than a month and i want him to be there to walk me down the aisle. whether or not he'll be able to actually walk is another issue, but i want him there. God already took my mother away from me 8 years ago, i can't lose my daddy now. sometimes i forget just how precious life is. i'm grateful daddy let the plant manager take him into the ER. i'm grateful that they've found these problems and are going to take care of them. but i still could lose him at any time. how often we forget that each morning is a gift. any one of us could live our last day today. live is so fragile and precious. we are not promised tomorrow. we are not guaranteed a long and healthy life. my father is a man who eats a bowl of oatmeal for breakfast every morning, and has for a long time. but he has to have 5 arteries patched so his heart will function normally and safely. knowing all this, though, still doesn't seem to make this any easier for me.

i know that i don't have to know why. i learned that with my mother. but it doesn't make not knowing any easier. people will always say things like, "everything will be okay", or, "it's in God's hands." and while i appreciate the fact that they mean well, it doesn't help. i know all those things. what can you say to me now that i don't know that will comfort me? a good friend simply said, "i don't know what to say. but man, that sucks!" that was one of the best things i could hear. it does suck. and i don't know what to say either.

i am asking all who read this to pray. pray for my father during the surgery. he's in good spirits, making jokes, but he still is about to have major surgery. pray for the doctors, that God would be their hands and tools and instruments. pray for my family, that we would feel comfort and peace. pray for my siblings and myself as we travel separately and on different days. pray for me to relax and not worry about wedding stuff, but that i could just focus on my father right now. pray that my father does well in surgery. pray for us all as we go into the recovery stage, taking care of my daddy. pray that we will all return home safely. just pray.

oh i wish....

.....i could snap my fingers and have all wedding plans fall into place

.....more food places delivered. i'm not much for pizza or chinese

.....apartments were cheaper

.....i were an oscar mayer wiener

.....i really hadn't just typed that

.....my room would stop throwing up everywhere

.....i could eat as much ice cream as i want without feeling the effects of all that bad stuff

.....gas prices resembled summer 1999 (under a dollar...wouldn't that be nice?)

.....i never had to get sick

.....i could think of something else more creative to wish for

reminiscing

Beauxquitah: my butt hurts like crazy, though
SLPnFalDwn: "shake shake shake..."
Beauxquitah: no, that hurts too much
SLPnFalDwn: hmmm... do they have any pillows to check out?
Beauxquitah: nope
SLPnFalDwn: darn
Beauxquitah: I should bring one of those donut things, though right?
SLPnFalDwn: as long as your butt doesn't mistake it for a toilet
SLPnFalDwn: ewww... that's gross
SLPnFalDwn: why did i type that?
Beauxquitah: i don't know
SLPnFalDwn: i should have read it before i hit enter... because as soon as i did... i cringed
Beauxquitah: yeah, me too


gosh i miss IM

more defensive driving fun

okay, so this is so funny to me and I don't know why. Here's an little bit of what I have to read while doing my defensive driving.

"Marijuana, often referred to as grass, pot or weed, is the unprocessed, dried leaves, stems and seeds of the cannabis sativa and the cannabis indica plants. Hashish, a more potent product, is processed from the resin in the flowers of the marijuana plant. Like marijuana, it may be smoked or eaten. In its most frequently used form, the dried leaves are shredded and rolled with cigarette papers into a "joint." Hashish is usually smoked in a pipe."

I don't know why, but it's just funny to me that I get to learn all about the wacky tabacky through defensive driving. anyone else find that funny? or is it just me?

comments

so, I've added comments on my site now. Hopefully it'll work.

Defensive driving (and other stuff)

So I'm taking an online defensive driving course for a ticket dismissal. It's alright. Some of it seems like Dr. Phil is teaching the course, but hey, whatever saves me the cost of the ticket. I just need to get it done!

Oh yeah. A little update for everyone (in case you didn't already know). I got engaged in November. Yeah, it's pretty cool. The wedding is in just under a month. May 7, to be exact. I'm so excited! I love Josh so much and am so looking forward to us spending the rest of our lives together.

I've also quit my job for the city, only to apply for another job for the city. This job would actually let me use my degree, though. It's for a part time video producer position. Hopefully I'll get it, or some job that uses my degree. Prayers for jobs for both Josh and me would be very helpful. He has a job, but it doesn't pay the greatest. It's enough to squeak by, pending nothing major happens, like car repairs. So yeah, prayers for us are greatly appreciated. It'll all work out somehow, I just know it.