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25 April 2009

Happy Bitsy Day!

today is Bitsy Day. today it has been 12 years since my mother went home to be with her precious Savior. i miss her greatly, and today i celebrate her life. i try and remember the good times together, the fun memories, and the amazing woman of God that she was and that i hope to become.

but at the same time there is still this tugging on my heart, still tears waiting just below the surface. things still feel so raw, so fresh, and i wonder if that will ever go away. will the sting of losing her ever go away? or will i always feel it as strongly as i did the day God took her away?

i still remember that day so vividly. i remember running to the front office with m early dismissal, i remember the stares of students passing by as i stood crying in the hallway, waiting to go home. i still hear my sister's voice on the phone right after she was gone. i can see the rain coming down as we made our way to the airport. i remember is driving around the flooded streets looking for a gas station, and remembering how God let the van run on fumes as we finally made our way into one. i remember seeing my brother and sister come through the gate, the first ones off the plane. i remember not being able to eat. i remember us all saying goodbye as a family. i remember all these with such vividness. i can't remember what we were wearing, but i can still remember the feeling, the emotion, the simultaneous grief and peace. i hear the thunder clap as momma slipped away. the thunder clap that sounded like the gates of heaven opening up and momma just couldn't stay away any longer. while i don't want these memories to fade, i do wish the sting could go away. but it's still there. it's always there, waiting just below the surface.

i was thinking about a time when momma came with me on a church outing. i must have been 7 or 8 years old. a group of us kids went to see the A.D. Players, or the After Dinner Players, a christian theater troupe. we went to see "joshua and the tarah, tarah-ah, tarah", or at least i think that's what it was called. i remember sitting on the front row next to her, her smiling at me as we enjoyed the performance geared towards children with audience involvement. one of the other memories i have is of her singing me to sleep as a child.

when i couldn't sleep, i would leave my room and go to my parents' room. i would quietly wake up momma, and she would pull me into her lap and gently rock me in her arms while singing over me. the hymn of choice was "i love to tell the story". it worked like a charm every time. i would feel so safe in her arms, and her beautiful voice singing those sweet words over me put me at rest. she would sing this to my brother and my sister to get them to sleep, too. i imagine if she were around today she would sing it over her grandchildren. instead, that has been passed on to us.

in honor of this Bitsy Day, i recorded my version of "i love to tell the story", along with a second chorus that i wrote myself. i hope you enjoy it. please feel free to comment in the comments of this post, or on the youtube video page itself.

i love you, momma. this one's for you.

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