the journey

i feel like i've been on the verge of tears for the past couple of days. and i don't know why exactly. there's a myriad of thoughts and emotions running through my head. it's all a part of this big healing process i've been going through. you can read about that here.

i don't know if saying i'm depressed is the right word, but i know i'm not happy. i wish i could just get happy. sometimes i wonder what circumstances would be in order for me to be happy. i love my in-laws, but would i be happier if josh and i weren't living in a small room in their house? would i be happier if i wasn't working at the pool? would i be happier if i lived in a different city? if i had a job in my field? if all the dreams i had as a kid came true? if i was a professional musician or actor? if my mom was still around? these are just some of the thoughts running through my head. in what situation does my life have to be in order for me to be happy?

i'm trying to remember what i was doing the last time i was truly happy. i'm having a hard time remembering when that was. don't get me wrong, i was overjoyed when i got engaged, on my wedding day, and just being married in general, but there's always been this pit of emptiness that i can't explain and can't get rid of. in fact, it's even very hard for me to finally acknowledge that it's there and has been there for a long time. sometimes i almost think i was born with it.

i wasn't supposed to be here. i am something like a 1 percent of a 1 percent chance. after my mom had had two kids(my brother and sister), she had her tubes cut and tied. or whatever procedure they did that had a similar effect. four years later, out pops me. God had to mend my mother in order for me to be in this world. He's the only one who could've done it. He wanted me here for a reason, He had (and has) a purpose for my life on earth. i just wish i knew what it was. i wish i knew why he wanted me here. what's my purpose? why am i here? and why am i so unhappy here?

i often feel that i'm an annoyance to people, to friends, to family. i feel like they just put up with me sometimes, because of their reactions. i feel like i'm a disappointment. i feel like i don't measure up to what they want. i feel like i don't belong anywhere. i feel like i'm not supposed to be here. i feel like nobody but my husband would miss me if i was gone. i know other people would miss me, but i don't always feel they would miss me. i feel worse off then i did when i realized God was going to be taking me through a tough healing process. is this a part of that process? He knows that we can't afford to pay for counseling. i don't even know if i need to go to counseling. i don't know what help i need or how to get it. all i know is that i feel so insignificant and out of place, and that God wants to heal me from all the hurt and pain and sorrow. but i don't know how that's done.

Lord, i need you. i don't feel like you care about me. i know you do, yet i am struggling to feel your love for me. i need you more than anything! don't abandon me! don't forsake me! don't overlook me! come and rescue me, Father! come and heal me! take away this pit of emptiness that dwells inside me! make me new, Lord! hear my cry! do not forget about me! i need you, Father, i need you!

christmas time

happy christmas, everybody!!

hope everyone is having a good time with their families and such during the holidays.

on another note: i have a nephew!!
jacob ender treadwell was born december 22, 2005 at 1:09 p.m.
weight: 7 pounds 15 1/2 ounces
length: 20 inches
safe, healthy and absolutely beautiful!!

welcome to the world, jacob! you came to a place where you are loved greatly by a great many people!!

pics of the little guy can be found here.

ramblings

wow, a lot has happened. or at least there's a lot going on in my head. stop the madness!!!! oh, sorry, i had to tell all the voices in my head to stop momentarily so i can sort out my thoughts.

so i found out last week that i did not get the full-time position at the pool. i don't know if i'm that upset about it. sure, it would have been nice to have a full-time job, not having to worry about whether or not i'm going to get hours in the double digits this week, but i did not get the job. i still don't know who got the job, but i basically don't care anymore.

i just dropped my LGI course. i was mainly taking it because it was a preffered certification for the full-time position. sure, i'd been interested in taking it before the job came up, but i just have this moral issue with taking the class, getting reimbursed for the cost, getting a pay raise, and then quitting only a few weeks later. yes, that's right, i'm quitting.

while i don't know for sure who got the job, i have a pretty good idea. and if my notion is correct, i cannot work under that person. i already have a hard enough time working with that person. and so, once the credit card bill is paid off, i will be leaving. finally.

i tried to leave back in march, and i did leave. but circumstances beyond our control had me going back to the pool. and i'm still here. this time, i will finally leave. i'm not coming back as long as i can help it. maybe i'll lifeguard again, but not here, not this place.

anyway, moving on, josh and i have found a home group at our church. there's about 3 other young married couples there and we all seem to get along really well. we went to dinner with two of the couples on sunday night. it was a lot of fun. we had a really good time. i'm very thankful God has placed us at our church. i just love it there. i look forward to services and am upset when we have to miss a week.

well, this has become a rather long post. maybe i'll post more later today. i'm at work, where internet access is free. that's all for now.

let's sing, everybody!!

"come on, shake your body, baby do the conga!
i know you can't control yourself any longer!
feel the rhythm of the music getting stronger!
don't fight it 'till you've tried it, baby,
do the conga beat!!"

i love the music at work! most of the time.

"don’t you worry if you can’t dance;
let the music move your feet!"

thank you, gloria. you rule.

fun at work

i know, the title is misleading. but bear with me.

during the water aerobics classes, the seniors tend to like to have music going in the background. here are just a few selections that were played today during said classes.

"down under"....men at work (gotta love vegemite)
"everybody have fun tonight"....wang chung
"wake me up before you go-go"....wham! (i love george michael!)
"centerfold"....either captain jack or the j. geils band
"walk the dinosaur"....was(not was)
*i'm not even kidding, the name of the band has the parenthesis and everything*
"the power of love"....huey lewis and the news

and the most awesomely bad song ever...
"we built this city" by starship (that one's for you, skip)

needless to say, the music today totally rocked!

job interview

so yesterday i had the most interesting job interview of my life.

i didn't get the job, in fact, i didn't really even interview for the job. the lday took one lok at my resume, said i was overqualified, then immediately starting looking for another job for me. apparently she has some contacts in the broadcast/radio and television world. and she got me in contact with one of them.

am i a little upset about not getting the job? yes, because just about anything would be better than where i am now. but i'm glad i went to the interview because now i've made a "friend" in the production world. finally! i have a contact! and the lasy was so cool; she wants me to keep in touch with her as my job search progresses. like, this lead that she got me, if it doesn't pan out, she wants me to let her know so she can lead me to another opportunity.

still no word on the full-time aquatics job. honestly, i don't know how i feel about that one. all i know is that if i don't get offered the position, i'm not staying there much longer.long enough to help pay off some bills, but that's it.

i'm now in a place where, yes, it'd be better if i had a job, but it's okay if i don't have one. in fact, not having one right now might be better for me. then i would have the time and flexibiliy to go and do odd jobs in my field, like be the coffee runner for one day at a shoot downtown. or run cables for a special event that comes up at the last minute. or fill in for a sound board operator. it'd be great to get paid for those jobs, (and i wouldn't refuse money) but if i don't get paid, that'd be okay, too. more experience, more contacts, networking is what i need. and if it gets to the point where i absolutely have to have a job, as long as i keep up my certifications, i can always get a job lifeguarding somewhere.

pray this contact i have pans out! i don't care if the only place they can use me is mopping floors, i'll do it!!

busy bee

i have been a very busy person this last week. i worked, had a job interview, packed up all of my belongings, moved said belongings to two different new homes, and proceeded to unpack said belongings at one of the new homes. yes, i am finally settling in.

most boxes are unpacked, my computer is set up, and life is starting to come into a routine. well, as routine as it can be when you have a part-time job and your hours can vary from week to week.

speaking of a job interview, i think my interview for the full-time position went well. i have not been able to set up an interview for the other job, but will be atempting to do so later on this morning.

and finally, i leave you with this:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DADDY!!!!
(even though it was yesterday; gimmie a break, i don't have internet access)
I LOVE YOU!!!

Don't fall off!

full house

well, we're all moved out and mostly moved in. it's amazing how much stuff we have. most of it, however, is being stored at my father's house in my old closet. the rest is in our room. soon we'll be able to bust some of the stored stuff out when the garage apartment gets built.

along with moving, i had a job interview this past thursday, and i am going to be scheduling another interview for another job opportunity. hopefully one of these will pan out. one is a full-time job that's not in my career field (well, the field my degree is in), and the other one is just a part-time job, but it's related to my career field. hopefully something will happen with one of these opportunities.

along with all that, i'm going to become a lifeguard instructor! i'll be taking the LGI class over the winter break. it'll be lots of work, and it won't be easy, but i'm looking forward to it. should be an okay time.

well, that's all for now. i'm at work bored out of my mind, but there's not much else to say. so i will leave you with this:
in the song "baby, one more time" by britney spears, what does that phrase mean exactly? just a pondering of us lifeguards as the senior citizens workout to late '90s pop.