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12 April 2005

no words fit

so it's been a rough few days. after hours and days of searching, my future husband and I finally found an apartment. That was tiresome, but nothing compared to what else i would encounter.

on monday evening, i get a call from my sister.

(me) hello?
(sister) hey, have you talked to dad?
(me) no, why?
(sister) he's in the hospital in Illinois.
(me)
i fall down on the floor what? i knew he was in illinois on a business trip
he was having chest pains and the plant manager took him to the ER.

the conversation went on and come to find out that they didn't know if my daddy had had a heart attack or not, but that this enzyme/protein level in his blood, which is indicative of a heart problem, was elevated. they had done an EKG, and that looked good, but since the level was rising, they were going to keep him overnight and monitor the level. there was a chance they would have to take him to another hospital and perform a heart catheterization to see what, if anything, was going on.

overnight the level stabilized, but they still wanted to take him to a different hospital so they could look around. my daddy went in for that catheterization this afternoon around 4. all was not so good.

Daddy has 4 arteries blocked at between 80-95%, and 2 arteries blocked at around 60%. needless to say, they are going to have to do something about this. so tomorrow, april 13, sometime between 11 a.m. and 1 p.m., my father is going to have quintuple bypass surgery. yes, that's 5 bypasses. i didn't even know they did that many.

my father is in good spirits. my brother, kyle, is flying up there early wednesday morning, and i'll be flying up there wednesday evening. my sister, kristen will be coming up there closer to the time when he will be released from the hospital. it looks like if all goes well, that should be about the middle of next week.

i'm not gonna lie, i'm pretty shaken about this. i know God has everything in control, but that doesn't mean i don't want my dad around. I'm getting married in less than a month and i want him to be there to walk me down the aisle. whether or not he'll be able to actually walk is another issue, but i want him there. God already took my mother away from me 8 years ago, i can't lose my daddy now. sometimes i forget just how precious life is. i'm grateful daddy let the plant manager take him into the ER. i'm grateful that they've found these problems and are going to take care of them. but i still could lose him at any time. how often we forget that each morning is a gift. any one of us could live our last day today. live is so fragile and precious. we are not promised tomorrow. we are not guaranteed a long and healthy life. my father is a man who eats a bowl of oatmeal for breakfast every morning, and has for a long time. but he has to have 5 arteries patched so his heart will function normally and safely. knowing all this, though, still doesn't seem to make this any easier for me.

i know that i don't have to know why. i learned that with my mother. but it doesn't make not knowing any easier. people will always say things like, "everything will be okay", or, "it's in God's hands." and while i appreciate the fact that they mean well, it doesn't help. i know all those things. what can you say to me now that i don't know that will comfort me? a good friend simply said, "i don't know what to say. but man, that sucks!" that was one of the best things i could hear. it does suck. and i don't know what to say either.

i am asking all who read this to pray. pray for my father during the surgery. he's in good spirits, making jokes, but he still is about to have major surgery. pray for the doctors, that God would be their hands and tools and instruments. pray for my family, that we would feel comfort and peace. pray for my siblings and myself as we travel separately and on different days. pray for me to relax and not worry about wedding stuff, but that i could just focus on my father right now. pray that my father does well in surgery. pray for us all as we go into the recovery stage, taking care of my daddy. pray that we will all return home safely. just pray.