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25 December 2005

the journey

i feel like i've been on the verge of tears for the past couple of days. and i don't know why exactly. there's a myriad of thoughts and emotions running through my head. it's all a part of this big healing process i've been going through. you can read about that here.

i don't know if saying i'm depressed is the right word, but i know i'm not happy. i wish i could just get happy. sometimes i wonder what circumstances would be in order for me to be happy. i love my in-laws, but would i be happier if josh and i weren't living in a small room in their house? would i be happier if i wasn't working at the pool? would i be happier if i lived in a different city? if i had a job in my field? if all the dreams i had as a kid came true? if i was a professional musician or actor? if my mom was still around? these are just some of the thoughts running through my head. in what situation does my life have to be in order for me to be happy?

i'm trying to remember what i was doing the last time i was truly happy. i'm having a hard time remembering when that was. don't get me wrong, i was overjoyed when i got engaged, on my wedding day, and just being married in general, but there's always been this pit of emptiness that i can't explain and can't get rid of. in fact, it's even very hard for me to finally acknowledge that it's there and has been there for a long time. sometimes i almost think i was born with it.

i wasn't supposed to be here. i am something like a 1 percent of a 1 percent chance. after my mom had had two kids(my brother and sister), she had her tubes cut and tied. or whatever procedure they did that had a similar effect. four years later, out pops me. God had to mend my mother in order for me to be in this world. He's the only one who could've done it. He wanted me here for a reason, He had (and has) a purpose for my life on earth. i just wish i knew what it was. i wish i knew why he wanted me here. what's my purpose? why am i here? and why am i so unhappy here?

i often feel that i'm an annoyance to people, to friends, to family. i feel like they just put up with me sometimes, because of their reactions. i feel like i'm a disappointment. i feel like i don't measure up to what they want. i feel like i don't belong anywhere. i feel like i'm not supposed to be here. i feel like nobody but my husband would miss me if i was gone. i know other people would miss me, but i don't always feel they would miss me. i feel worse off then i did when i realized God was going to be taking me through a tough healing process. is this a part of that process? He knows that we can't afford to pay for counseling. i don't even know if i need to go to counseling. i don't know what help i need or how to get it. all i know is that i feel so insignificant and out of place, and that God wants to heal me from all the hurt and pain and sorrow. but i don't know how that's done.

Lord, i need you. i don't feel like you care about me. i know you do, yet i am struggling to feel your love for me. i need you more than anything! don't abandon me! don't forsake me! don't overlook me! come and rescue me, Father! come and heal me! take away this pit of emptiness that dwells inside me! make me new, Lord! hear my cry! do not forget about me! i need you, Father, i need you!