more ramblings

i've been thinking a lot lately about what i would do if i could do anything i wanted. money, abilities, location, and all those other things that get in the way wouldn't be a factor.

i've always had an interest in many different things. i think that's why it was sometimes hard for me(and still is, to a certain extent) to stick with just one thing. i don't like quitting, or giving up on things, but it's more like i either get bored with something or i just have an interest in many things and it's too hard to do them all at once.

i really enjoyed(and enjoy) the radio/tv production stuff. i mean, it was my major, i have a degree in it, i stuck with it for 2 years. but i've also been mostly out of it since i graduated, not finding a job in the field and not having my own equipment to keep working on it.

i've been obsessed with the entertainment industry probably since before i could walk. i don't really remember that far back, but as long as i can remember i've been interested in television, movies, music, acting, the technical aspects, the performance aspects, the creative, inventive, and artistic parts that make up the industry. I acted all throughout middle and high school, and even did double-duty my junior and senior years, doing both tech theatre and performance. i loved all of it. i still love all of it.

i guess i decide to go more the technical route because that was something i saw myself not getting bored with. i didn't know a lot about technical things, and, let's face it, you can take all the acting classes you want and it still won't make you a good actor. i consider(ed) myself a good actor, and have been told by several people i am such, but i didn't want to end up hating the process because of some jerk professor or it becoming too much work and no longer fun. plus, my tech theatre teacher in high school said "for every 100 people who want to be in the spotlight, there's only about 1 person who wants to run that spotlight." that's something i've always remembered. not that i couldn't make it in the spotlight, but i had a better chance being behind it. and that could get my foot in the door to being in the spotlight.

i also enjoy writing. i've had one of my poems published, i write songs, and i enjoy just letting thoughts flow from my brain to paper. but i haven't written like that in a long time. i am thinking of taking a creative writing class at community college this summer/fall. either way, it's something i want to do more of.

anyone who knows me knows that i love music. i absolutely love it. all kinds. some more than others. some on only an appreciation level. but i still love it. my husband calls me a human jukebox. almost any song that comes on the radio i know some, if not all, of the words to, and 70% of the time i know the artist. i play guitar, i sing. i can actually see myself being a professional musician. just how do i get started?

a new area of interest has become photography. i have a digital camera that's a pretty decent one for it's limitations. i've had people comment on the photos i've taken. and the comments have been good. i have always enjoyed taking pictures. from the old polaroid camera we had, to disposable cameras, to my digital, taking pictures has always been fun for me. a photography class would be fun to take, to hone my skills, if not for a career, at least for a really enjoyable hobby.

reading through all this, i've begun to wonder when it was that my drive for this stuff slowed down. i used to be a lot crazier than i am now. that may be hard to believe for some, not so for others. i feel like i've let my creativity slip away from me. that crazy creativity is still in me, i can feel it, i know it. but it's getting harder and harder to show. i think when i moved up to this area right before my senior year is when it all started. i had no friends, no sense of belonging, and no idea how to deal with it. nobody knew me. it was a different culture up here, especially at my high school. if i was truly my crazy self, it would have made me fit in even less than i did. i didn't make many friends my senior year. i didn't want to let go of houston, and the others didn't want to let me in. it was really hard for me.

community college was a really good time for me. i met some of my closest friends there, met the many i would marry during that time, and felt much more freedom to burst out of my shell. i started writing more songs, and did things that i loved. then i transferred to UCF. while that was the school i wanted to go to, again i was going to a place where i didn't know a soul. i stayed in my apartment most of my first semester, and a lot into my second, because i didn't know how to go out and meet people. i thought "i'm only going to be here 2 years, i have a boyfriend, why get attached to something i'm going to be leaving behind?". i look back now and wish i had gotten out more. i crawled back inside my shell once more.

i've decide to let myself out again. it's not going to be easy, but it's something i have to do. i'm still trying to figure out what to do with my life. i'm 24, i've still got the whole world ahead of me. my wonderful husband is very supportive and wants me to be happy. now i just have to figure out what that is. is it the entertainment industry? is it something else? i don't know. i just don't know.