searching

i've been doing a lot of thinking about life lately. when you have the influenza virus and are laid up for a week, almost wishing you could just die to make it go away, you tend to start thinking about life.

i've been thinking a lot about what God wants from me, what He put me here on earth for. He definitely has me here for a reason, i'm a medical marvel (kinda). by science rules, i'm not supposed to be here. after my mom had my brother and sister, she and my dad decided not to have anymore kids, and she had her tubes cut and tied. i was a big shock about 3 1/2 years later. i loved hearing that story, and i love remembering it because those times when i'm questioning my existence, it helps me remember that God really wants me here, and that He has a purpose for my life.

i guess maybe sometimes that story can go to my head and i think i'm destined for greatness. and maybe that's true, but i could also be destined to give birth to a child that will change the world, and that's my purpose. or someone i minister to in some way is who will change the world because of something i said. but i digress.

i've been thinking about times when i was really happy, times that i tend to long for again, and i try and remember what i was doing then that made me so happy. first of all, i was a lot more diligent in my pursuit of my Savior, but there were other things as well.

i lived up at the student ministry office from the middle of 7th grade until i moved away from houston right before my senior year. i loved being up there, helping out around the office, helping plan some of the events, brainstorming new events, and helping some with the videos we would put together. even when i''ve gone down to visit i've stopped by the youth office and helped out. it has this feeling of home to me.

my first two years in college i led worship at my college group. i planned out the worship sets (or i should say God planned them out, and kindly told me the plan), practiced with the band (who are still good friends of mine, i even married one of 'em!), and really grew in my relationship with the Lord. i learned a great deal about what it means to truly worship while i was in high school, but being the one who is responsible for leading people into a time of worship in the presence of God taught me so much more about what worship is and what it means to worship. it's not just through song, but that's a whole other blog post.

the worship team wasn't just a worship team, we became a worship band and a tight group of friends. while we never had a whole lot of gigs, we did have a few neat opportunities while we were together. we held a special worship night for a youth/college group going home to missouri from mexico over one new year's, when they stopped in the dallas area for the night. we actually traveled up to that same church in missouri a few months later and led worship for the sunday morning church service, and we played at a concert event at the community college. we wished we'd had the opportunity to do more, but i left for school in florida and a couple people moved away and it just kind of ended. but i remember getting together on weekends or other weeknights to hang out, and we'd end up playing our instruments, lifting our voices and praising God together. it wasn't always planned, it just sort of happened. and it was wonderful. we'd go on for hours! have you ever been worn out from worshipping God? it's the best feeling!! i haven't had that feeling for awhile.

though i haven't had much professional experience with my degree, i really do enjoy video stuff. i've got a personal project i'm working on which i hope to have ready by may, but since i haven't got a video camera, doing video stuff gets kinda difficult. i do really enjoy that, and i also enjoyed the audio work i did in school. studios, however, are expensive. plus i've been out of the loop for almost 3 years now, and i've lost some of my confidence in my skills. i know they're in my head, they're just not fresh.

well, all of this to say i still don't know what God wants from me. i know He wants me to be happy and to glorify Him in whatever i do. i want to have a job that i enjoy, something that i love. i didn't say easy, cause no job is always easy, but i want to really enjoy my work, not loathe it. as far as doing things i enjoy, i'm going to be helping out with the video ministry at my church, and i'm also going to be trying out for the worship team there in the next few weeks. while these aren't jobs, they are at least a way of doing things that i love and serving my God.

the thought of becoming a girls' minister keeps popping in and out of my head. as i said, i loved helping out at the youth office, and had even thought of going into youth ministry when i was in high school. but it didn't have a strong, strong pull towards that. it's something i'm going to be praying about. it's a big decision, and not one to be taken lightly. how would i start to go about becoming one? what type of education/degrees/certification do i need? do i even need all that? i definitely need to be more actively pursuing Christ before i take that step, if that's where God has me going. where would i go?

i just had a mini revelation. these things i've mentioned about me being happy, other than the video stuff, everything else has been me serving. whatever i do, i need to be serving God with it. maybe things will become clearer as to what exactly that is in the near future.

after all this thinking, i've set a few goals for myself this year. i don't make resolutions, because in my mind "resolving" to do something is setting yourself up for failure. a goal is something to strive for. here are the few i've come up with so far:

to seek after my Lord more dilligently. that encompasses spending more time with Him in prayer, bible reading, worship, and showing His love to others. some things are easier said than done.
to record some songs. not necessarily a whole album, but record the songs i've written so far. even if it's just rough recordings, it's something. i've had some people asking me when i'm going to make an album for about 2 years now. i think it's time i started.
to play at an open mic night at least once before july. i almost did this in florida, but never took the time to actually go up to one of those things. if you hear of any in the dallas area, or any regularly occurring ones up here, let me know about them, please.
to save up money to buy a video camera. or at least get halfway there. the one i want wil put me out about $4000. then i add the extras. yikes!
to take a photography class and possibly buy an inexpensive 35mm camera. i don't think i want to do still photography full-time, but a few sessions here and there (like the one i did for my friends and their baby). i'm also going to be taking my brother-in-law's senior pictures this year.
to play my guitar and write more. i've got one song in mind that i want to record and add my own verse to it. don't worry, it's public domain, i won't be breaking any laws.
to lose 50 pounds. i'm giving myself until my 26th birthday for this one. that's a little over a year, a healthy span of time. i've lost a couple pounds already. i wouldn't consider myself "fat", but i am overweight and seriously out of shape. i'm determined to fit into my favorite camo pants and my tiger cub scouts shirt(i got that from the salvation army, it's one of my fave t-shirts).

so there you have it. we'll see when i reach these goals. prayers in these goals and about career decisions would be greatly appreciated. i know i'll get answers to my questions, i just don't know when.