reflecting

i don't know why, but i feel like i've been on the edge of tears for a few days now. it's not really that i've been sad, but it's just, well, something seems like it's always there, just under the surface. i've been learning to deal with it, learning to not let it take me over, but sometimes i feel like i'm about to break. it's momma.

josh and i picked up a few things from his parents house the other night and moved some of it into storage. a lot of it is files that we need to keep, but don't necessarily need in the apartment, and some of his old mementos and things that his mom was hanging on that we now get. but we also picked up our guitars. i've had my main guitar with me since we moved, but his 12-string acoustic was still there, along with my inheritance: my mom's acoustic-electric (or maybe it's just a hollow-body electric) guitar.

i haven't played her (my) guitar in ages. i used to play it all the time. then i got my acoustic guitar and started using that to play and lead worship. my inheritance is very old, and is in need of repair. it needs new strings, the electronics need a little tweaking, and the pegs need some oiling. i need to take it into the shop. but i can't seem to bring myself to do it. if something were to happen to it, i would be crushed.

now, i know it's just a thing. i realize that. i know it won't bring my mom back. i know it's not really that important. but at the same time, it's not just a thing. and it is important. it was my mom's guitar. it was what she told my father to give to me when she died. in a way, for me, it's an extension of her. it's a part of her and it's a part of me. in a way, it feels like one of the last connections i have to her.

i pulled it out tonight and started to play. i had to stop 'cause the thing would not stay in tune for more than three seconds, and the sound of an out-of-tune guitar is for me what nails-on-a-chalkboard is for most people. i wish i could play it. i wish it would work the way it was designed to. but that's not what i wish the most.

i wish i could have heard momma play. i wish i had vivid memories of her and that guitar, of her playing worship songs and hymns for us. maybe she did play for me once or twice, but i was so young that i probably don't remember. or maybe it was just too infrequent and i wasn't really interested at the time. i wish i had memories of her and her guitar like i have of her singing in church. i wish they were so real that i would have a hard time believing she wasn't right there.

whenever we sing hymns in church, or some of the older praise choruses, i can hear my mom singing them, mostly the harmony. it's so vivid it's as if she's next to me, singing in my ear, holding my hand and smiling at me. when we sing those songs i am almost always moved to tears. sometimes i fight them, sometimes i let them come on through. i miss her greatly. and it's always right there, below the surface, waiting for something to make a crack for it to come through. that was tonight when i started to play.

there's so much i wish my mom could see. i wish she could see my love of playing and singing. i wish she could listen to the songs i write and sing them with me over and over. i wish she could hear me play the song she used to sing me to sleep with, and i wish she could hear the new chorus i wrote for it. i wish.

i wish.

one day i'll work up enough courage and have enough peace about taking my mom's guitar in to get repaired/restored. one day. but today is not that day. today is the day that i think about momma and her playing her guitar. i just hope it was as amazing and wonderful as i imagine it would be.

scattergories

use the 1st letter of your name to answer each of the following... they have to be real places, names, things...nothing made up! try to use different answers if the person in front of you had the same 1st initial. you CAN'T use your name for the boy/girl.

1. what is your name?................... katie

2. 4 letter word:....................... kite

3. vehicle: ............................ kia

4. city: ............................... kingwood

5. boy name: ........................... ken

6. girl name: .......................... kelly

7. occupation: ......................... kickboxer

8. something you wear:.................. knickers

9. celebrity: ......................... kiera knightley (ha! double letter points!)

10. food: .............................. kabobs

11. found in a bathroom:................ kits (make-up, first aid, etc.)

12. reason for being late............... kids

13. cartoon character: ................. krusty the Clown

14. something you shout: ............... kill the other team!!

15. animal: ...................... ..... koala

16. body part: ......................... knee

17. word to describe you: .............. kickass

18. something that makes you smile ..... kids

19. drink .............................. kamakaze


i tag....my sister, sharon, and anyone else who wants to try!

i miss these people

i...i...i just don't know what to say

so we saw this picture at a church in arkansas. we were there for a wedding. this just kinda makes me sad. more in the way it's done.



worship with tithes? yes, tithing is an act of worship, but there are so many other ways to worship that they could have put on the poster. like in singing, in prayer, in service, kneeling, hands raised, all other acceptable forms of worship. i must admit, it's one of the more clever ways i've seen to ask for money.

also, i didn't get there in time to take a picture, but a church near where i live had this on their marquee:
"warning: exposure to the Son may prevent burning"
i laughed so hard, while all at the same time wanting to throw up. i just find it sad that church people think things like that draw people to Christ. why not say you have air conditioning instead of "prayer conditioning"? i mean seriously. and condemning people on your signs really doesn't show them Christ's love. i could go on and on, but i'll stop now. this is just one of my big pet peeves when it comes to Christianity in america. maybe it happens in other places, too, but i've never been anywhere else.

avast!!

arr, matey! today be ye "national talk like a pirate day!" if ye scallywags wish to speak as a pirate, ye must plunder this site to be one of us! enjoy the high seas, ye ones. gar!!!

hilarious

i'm so gonna have to try this. a few curse words for those that are offended. but hilarious.

to my jewish peeps

Birthdays

okay, here go birthday wishes for the last week:

my nephew, Killian Rudd, on august 17. Happy Birthday, little guy, even though you can't even read yet!

my brother-in-law, Joshua Rudd, on august 22. (i hope that's right) Happy Birthday, brother!!

my best friend, Abbey Bowman, on august 23. Happy Birthday, my good friend! Hope life is treating you well!

update

so, summer is nearing a close and it's been keeping me fairly busy. swim lessons are in full swing, and only a couple more weeks are left for the season. then we take about a 2 month hiatus until the new rec center is opened. after it's built, mind you. i've still got a couple of private lessons i'll be doing, but things are slowing down as we near the end of our busy season.

since i haven't heard back from the ad agency i interviewed with, i'm assuming i didn't et the job. it really sucks. i really do want a full-time job, but i know i don't want to sit in a cube all day long. and while i enjoy teaching/managing swim lessons, i don't think i want to be doing that the rest of my life.

on a few happy notes, i finished with counseling. some of you may remember i started on a journey back in october of 2005. here is where it all came clear to me. i have been going to counseling for a few months now and my counselor said she thought we were finished. of course i'm not always happy, and of course i still miss my mom, but i've learned how to cope and process in a healthy, God-directed way. so that is exciting.

a friend of mine has agreed to disciple me and i'm super excited about that. we're still setting up our first time and what all we will be going over, but this is such an answer to prayer. see, i had asked a woman i knew a few years ago if she would disciple me, and because of things going on in her life, it just wasn't the right time. i was a little discouraged, but i knew it wasn't anything personal. however, i haven't asked anyone since. maybe i was afraid i'd be told no again, or maybe i just gave up too soon. but God put it on my heart, and i asked, being okay with whatever the answer would be. we both prayed about it and now we are on our way.

more good news, my friend sharon and i are leading worship out in tyler on sunday. we used to lead worship together in our college group and in out worship band, philippi. we are both really excited. this is something else i've been praying about, an opportunity to lead worship somewhere again, whether as the lead worshipper or just a part of a team. well, i get to do both. we are trading off leading out. i can't really describe it, but it just feels so good and right to be doing this again. like she and i are supposed to be doing this.

i've also been doing a little more photography. my bro-in-law went to prom with a friend a couple months ago, so i took my gear over and we did pictures in the house. i also am taking my youngest bro-in-law's senior pictures. we finally got around to do one shoot, during the week it wasn't raining here and we were both available. i'm also going to be taking more pictures of the hill family. we haven't scheduled that yet, though. "special k" is already 7 months old. i can't believe it. we need some updated pictures of him. and i'll also be scouting locations and taking pictures for my production company's upcoming film. i really want to save up for a better still camera. but i also want to save up for a video camera, too. decisions, decisions.

well, that's about it for now. more to come later!

one of my favorite bands EVER

so the goo goo dolls have a new song out. it's from transformers. i love these guys. josh and i hope to go see them at the end of august, but we're not sure if we can afford it. i've wanted to see them live for a loooooong time. eventually. *sigh* enjoy the video!