outdone

question:

why do we feel the need to "outdo" each other on everything? why do we have to outdo each other when it comes to our grief? seriously.

a conversation went like this. the circumstances were around one of our friends having to leave town suddenly because of her father's health condition.

me: "this may not be the best time to tell you this, but when i was 15, my mother died. so if you need someone to talk to, whether your dad ends up being fine or whatever, i understand and i'm here if you need to talk."

okay, let me interject real quick here. this bit of information isn't something that everyone i hang out with knows. it's not exactly something you tell people when you meet them for the first time: 'hi, i'm katie and my mother died of cancer when i was only 15 years old. so what do you do for a living?' the main reason i brought it up was to let her know i've been there and i am here for her if she wants to talk to someone who's been through it. ok, back to conversation.

other friend with us: "yeah, when i was little both my grandparents died. and i had nobody. i mean, i didn't know what to do."

see? right there! i was trying to let our friend know she's not alone and someone she knows has been through what she;s going through. then our other friend had to outdo me with her grief. and i'm gonna get on a soapbox here for a second, but losing a grandparent is nowhere near the same as losing your parent. the only place i would consider it would be if your grandparents raised you and basically were your parents.

i had to take a step back and make sure what i said to our friend in need wasn't trying to outdo her in her current situation. and i don't think it was. had i gone into details then and there about how terrible it was and how depressed i got and so on, then yeah, it would have been just that. but i think by what i said i was more or less informing her of something in my life that can relate to her should she need someone to talk to.

it really bothers me when people try and outdo me, or other people for that matter. why must we always have the best story, or the worst experiences or the most broken bones in one event? what is it about our nature that makes us this way, especially when it comes to caring for our friends? i don't have an answer. and i don't know that i will ever figure it out

facing my fear

ok, so any one who knows me well knows i only have one fear. one phobia, if you will.

i am afraid of birds.

i know now i will get lots of practical jokes involving fowl, but whatever. it's not wild birds that i fear as much as people birds: pets, city pigeons, that sort of thing. basically i don't like birds that like people.

my fear stems from several bad experiences. a few of my friends growing up had pet birds. some had big birds, some little. in an attempt to get me accustomed to birds as pets (i've always been a dog person), this friend put her two very small birds on my shoulder. instead of sitting and chirping nicely, they started pecking my ears mercilessly! not a fun experience.

another friend in high school had a huge tropical bird. we were sitting in the family room, the bird on its perch. out of nowhere, the giant red bird takes flight and heads straight for my head! had i not moved, my face would look quite different than it does now.

so, i don't really like birds.

today, as josh and i were getting ready to run errands, we go out to our car and in the space next to ours, there's a little baby bird on the ground. it's momma had made a nest in the covered parking. poor little guy look quite new, missing several feathers and keeping his eyes closed a lot. he had a big wad of fishing line wrapped around his little leg. my heart broke.

i may not like birds, but i don't want to see one suffering. josh got some socks and put them on his hands to pick the little guy up and i called animal control. luckily they are practically around the corner. animal control came and picked up the little guy and took him to the bird rehabilitation center just down the road. i hope the little guy is okay.

if i could have chosen what i would do today, finding a bird and needing to take care of it would not have been my first preference. but God knows when we need to face our fears and He puts us in situations to face them where there is no option to turn and run. the only option is to look our fear in the eye and deal with it.

do i love birds now? no, not really. do i want a pet bird now? ummm, no. but i have become a little more comfortable around them. having one take flight right next to my head still freaks me out.

reflecting

i don't know why, but i feel like i've been on the edge of tears for a few days now. it's not really that i've been sad, but it's just, well, something seems like it's always there, just under the surface. i've been learning to deal with it, learning to not let it take me over, but sometimes i feel like i'm about to break. it's momma.

josh and i picked up a few things from his parents house the other night and moved some of it into storage. a lot of it is files that we need to keep, but don't necessarily need in the apartment, and some of his old mementos and things that his mom was hanging on that we now get. but we also picked up our guitars. i've had my main guitar with me since we moved, but his 12-string acoustic was still there, along with my inheritance: my mom's acoustic-electric (or maybe it's just a hollow-body electric) guitar.

i haven't played her (my) guitar in ages. i used to play it all the time. then i got my acoustic guitar and started using that to play and lead worship. my inheritance is very old, and is in need of repair. it needs new strings, the electronics need a little tweaking, and the pegs need some oiling. i need to take it into the shop. but i can't seem to bring myself to do it. if something were to happen to it, i would be crushed.

now, i know it's just a thing. i realize that. i know it won't bring my mom back. i know it's not really that important. but at the same time, it's not just a thing. and it is important. it was my mom's guitar. it was what she told my father to give to me when she died. in a way, for me, it's an extension of her. it's a part of her and it's a part of me. in a way, it feels like one of the last connections i have to her.

i pulled it out tonight and started to play. i had to stop 'cause the thing would not stay in tune for more than three seconds, and the sound of an out-of-tune guitar is for me what nails-on-a-chalkboard is for most people. i wish i could play it. i wish it would work the way it was designed to. but that's not what i wish the most.

i wish i could have heard momma play. i wish i had vivid memories of her and that guitar, of her playing worship songs and hymns for us. maybe she did play for me once or twice, but i was so young that i probably don't remember. or maybe it was just too infrequent and i wasn't really interested at the time. i wish i had memories of her and her guitar like i have of her singing in church. i wish they were so real that i would have a hard time believing she wasn't right there.

whenever we sing hymns in church, or some of the older praise choruses, i can hear my mom singing them, mostly the harmony. it's so vivid it's as if she's next to me, singing in my ear, holding my hand and smiling at me. when we sing those songs i am almost always moved to tears. sometimes i fight them, sometimes i let them come on through. i miss her greatly. and it's always right there, below the surface, waiting for something to make a crack for it to come through. that was tonight when i started to play.

there's so much i wish my mom could see. i wish she could see my love of playing and singing. i wish she could listen to the songs i write and sing them with me over and over. i wish she could hear me play the song she used to sing me to sleep with, and i wish she could hear the new chorus i wrote for it. i wish.

i wish.

one day i'll work up enough courage and have enough peace about taking my mom's guitar in to get repaired/restored. one day. but today is not that day. today is the day that i think about momma and her playing her guitar. i just hope it was as amazing and wonderful as i imagine it would be.

in memoriam

i wanted to take some time today and thank all the veterans and current military men and women for what you've done and what you do. whether you believe in the causes you fight for or not, you still serve our country. sometimes i take for granted how blessed i am to live in america. sure, it has it's problems, but i live in a country where i can practice my faith freely, where i don't have to be afraid to say the name Jesus, where i can worship my Maker publicly and not in secret. thanks to those who made that possible and to those who continue to fight for us. my prayers and thanks.

random factoids

so i was checking out a really cool blog i found, kpinion, and i commented and was asked these five questions by kpinion. here are my answers:

1. If you were stranded on a tropical island and found a crate with a life time supply of one food item, what would that item be? (keep in mind you will most likely be eating this item day in and day out until your rescue)

chocolate chip granola bars. though if asked this at some other point in time, it would probably be different. i figure granola bars are somewhat healthy and i could still get my chocolate fix

2. What is the playlist of your all time favorite album culled from any and all artists and genres?

gosh, this one will take me forever!! just a few, in random order(i have such a wealth of musical knowledge i have to sift through, here!)

name - goo goo dolls
take my life - third day
worlds apart - jars of clay
superstition - stevie wonder
sailing - christopher cross
someone like you - van morrison
i love to tell the story - hymn with extra chorus by me
come away - nickel and dime
obsession - david crowder* band
for what it's worth - buffalo springfield
i believe - blessid union of souls
refine me - jennifer knapp
by your side - sade
standing outside a broken phone booth with money in my hand - primitive radio gods

that's the album at this current time. i love music and have a music library over 100gb, so it's a little hard to whittle it all down to just one album. let's say this is disc one, disc two to come later...


3. Describe yourself in five words.

spunky
unique
caring
faithful
growing


4. What is something about yourself that you find individualistic and you love it?

i go back and forth on this, but i would have to say my voice. most people who hear me sing tell me i have such a unique voice and that i don't sound like anybody they've ever heard before. trust me, i'm no whitney or mariah, i don't have that kind of power, but i think i can have a lot of passion in my voice. right now i'm in a period where i really do like my voice

5. What is a "most embarrasing moment" that you tell with pride?

i don't really seem to remember getting embarrassed too much. this didn't really embarrass me but i fell down the stairs at my high school graduation. not full-out smack-your-face-on-the-floor kind of fall, but more in the my-shoe-caught-on-the-cable-on-the-steps-that-really-shoulda-been-taped-
inside-the-step-so-i-lost-my-balance-but-was-able-to-recover kind of fall. i still love to tell that story, it always makes me laugh!


so there you go! now for the rest of the game.

1. leave me a comment saying, “interview me.” (or any comment at all; they tend to make my day)
2. i will comment/e-mail you with 5 questions of my choosing.
3. you then have to include your answers in an update of your blog. or if you don't have a blog, get one; they're all over.
4. you will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. when others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions. and thus the cycle continues.

have fun!!

i said this while totally trying to be serious...

"i've always heard the expression 'like duck off a water's back'"

what a way to switch around words accidentally. josh and i had a good laugh about this one. again, i was totally trying to be serious.